Oh, the simmy chaos.

A whiny sixteen-year old amnesiac opens his own private detective agency in New York. As he is walking down Times Square he is accosted by two flamingly gay bikers who proceed to proposition him, try to molest him, and offer him gifts.  Which he accepts. “Wear this on your body and pretend it’s me,” the butch-biker says as his  skinny consort giggles and waggles his mustache. (Stereotypes, anyone? Even the gay acupuncturist in SH1 had more character.)

 

About fifteen minutes later, as the whiny amnesiac ends his manhunt and confronts the first boss in the game, he is saved in the nick of time by the game’s heroine- who looks like a transvestite hooker dressed in kinky native-american themed  lingerie, complete with spray-tanned jugs and KFC blond hair.  In order to shift to her powerful fusion monster shape, she must do a slow striptease and generally bounce her boobs around quite a lot.

 

I was expecting great things from this game. The first two Shadow Hearts games had me hooked.  I was instantly crushing on Yuri, who never had to remove his clothing to perform a shift and always had plenty of snappy dialogue. The dialogue in this game is just-- stilted.

 

  I have never been so completely alienated from a game within the first couple of minutes. I pressed onward, hoping things would get better. I was also promised by the game booklet that eventually I would get to play a large drunken cat who did a special kind of cat martial arts. I just couldn’t hold on long enough.

 

Did the original writers and character designers of the game take drugs and lose some of their brain functions? Or were they just replaced by a bunch of perverse sexist idiots?  

 

If you’re the kind of person who hardly gets enough huge, fake, spray-tanned breasts  inflicted on you by the  tv then this is the game for you.  It seems my dreams of playing a large drunken cat are destined to remain unfulfilled. It’s a shame I can’t set this disc on fire.

 

So that would be a negative review. Two thumbs down. And ten toes, too.

I know I'm an addict. But damnit... Sims do the craziest things!